I think I've changed. Come out the other side, if you will. I don't know that it's for the better, I feel like it's more for the bitter. There's a lot to be said about being young, and I feel I've said it all, and experienced most of it. Now that I'm here, on the other side of the law, I feel done. There is little more that I want, and even less that I need. I feel like the end of the Lord of the Rings movies, all the excitement is over, the best part was replaced with a lie, and it should have been over 20 minutes ago. I'm craving some poorly scripted Michael Bay explosions.
I've spent A LOT of money lately, from mishaps with my phones, to random hotel rooms, and I don't even feel it. In a way that's great, I can afford to be a little stupid every once in a while(I'm usually a cheap bastard), but in a way it's kind of sad. I just don't ever care anymore.
All these things that have been here forever, all hidden by a cheap smile, or a rehearsed laugh, I just don't care to hide them anymore. It's like I'm finally okay with my belief that life is one let down after another. And that isn't supposed to happen yet, doesn't that come with age, with seeing the world and letting it crush your dreams?
Here's an idea, let's work really hard, spending loads of money so I can get some lame job that I hate and spend the rest of my life paying off the expenses of getting there. For what, so people are proud of me? I don't buy it anymore. What do I like? I like writing, what the fuck good is that going to do me? The only way I'll ever make money at it is if I get published, and guess what I don't have to go to school to do.....get published. Dumb.
What about people? What good are they? Everyone, myself included, is in it for themselves. Complete disregard for anyone else. Great, way it should be, Darwin at his best. But it's bringing me down. We are raised to see the good in people, until you get old enough, wise enough, to see that it just isn't there. You ever feel like no one sees you at all, never mind the good or the bad? Say, for instance, at your job. Like, if you get paid Holiday days off, and every person at your job gets them except you? And even when you ask why you aren't getting them, you still don't get them, because your bosses literally forget about you? And then they send out letters saying if you don't take your Holiday days within a certain time you can't take them at all, like it's my fault. Don't worry, it's just the money you owe me by law. I don't need it. Please expect me to continue doing a great job. For fucks sake.
This past week was the 4th, I'm stuck at work doing overnights for basically 2 weeks straight, just one day off, so other people can have their 4th of July Holiday days. I haven't even gotten my Memorial Day yet. I know, I know. Get a new job, right? In this fucking economy? So I can get some other job that doesn't give a fuck about any of their employees? Thanks GWB. Come on Obama, Yes we can. Yes we can what?
Money doesn't buy happiness, but the more money you have, the more happiness you can siphon from the people below you. Money doesn't buy happiness, bullshit. Of course it does.
There is this book, called The Hand, or something like that. It's about how the hand and the mind evolved together, as one got better, so did the other. With the hand doing more and more, the mind did more and more, and the when the hand was to busy making weapons to point other shit out, language developed. The hand evolved to kill. To make weapons, and use them to feed your family. Then the brain evolved into a constant competition with every other brain on the planet. And then we got war. You know the big kids who pick on the little kids? They grow up to be big and strong, working dead and jobs. The little kids grow up to make bombs, and use them against the big kids. Mankind is one giant competition to prove your worth.
You know what I think of happiness? For real? I think it lies in other people. My one last hope than human kind is worth a damn, is that when it really comes down to it, we need each other. We don't need everyone, just one other person. And even that is subject to change. Marriage, dating, till death do us part, fucking, prostitution, it's all the same. It's all temporary. But for a short time, stripped down to the bare essentials, lust and fucking animal instincts, it's pure fucking joy. And then it's over. If you even make it that far.
Life is a struggle to continually trick yourself into happiness.
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