One morning with the Wallstreet.

I wrote this months ago, at the start of fall, and then forgot about it. Well, I just found it again. It could probably use a little work, but I like it well enough.



One morning, just a day or to ago, just like all the mornings I’ve seen as of late, chilly, and dark with the sun slow to rise, I saw a headline that read: Whom do mosquito’s prefer to bite? I was resting the morning papers in front of the occupied rooms at the hotel, every room gets a NYTimes, and some rooms request others. A few rooms had requested the Wall Street Journal, and it was on this paper, of all papers, that this headline read, eagerly awaiting to tell us all about the preference of annoying, blood thirsty, disease carrying, little pests. I immediately realized I had no mosquito bites, and I couldn’t remember the last time I had one. I know it’s nearing the end of their season, but I just don’t think I’ve had more than one bite all summer long. Rather than be extremely happy about this, I was left questioning, “What the hell is wrong with me that mosquitos apparently do not prefer my Irish blood?” It should be said that I did not read the article, I didn’t really care that much. Also it was probably something lame, and much less entertaining than I would be able to come up with on my own. Like, “mosquitos enjoy the blood of people who do yoga, as their blood is healthier, because they are healthier.” It was probably just a trick to try and get people to do yoga. I was not about to fall into that hole. No sir. Instead I carried on with my morning, slowly debating with myself what kind of blood a mosquito would probably like. Muscular people? People who ate a lot of fish? Meaty people? I think it’s pretty obvious, fat people.

I suppose it doesn’t have to be fat people, maybe it’s the seafood thing. Think about it, what’s the one thing that a mosquito can not drink the blood of? Lot’s of things, actually, all the things under the sea. And Robo-Cop. It’s not like they can swim under water, they have no scuba-diving gear. It would not even be possible to make some that small, should they ever become smart enough to make one. Like if they drank Einstein’s blood, and then became really intelligent. Haven’t you ever seen a mosquito lingering hungrily on the surface of a lake? They stare, and stare at all the fish with tasty fish blood that they can’t drink. Well, enter human beings, devouring fish like it’s a fucking contest. Catching them by boatloads, fighting over territory to catch them, killing for them, dying for them. Some guy working hard in big orange overalls hauling trap after trap full of lobsters, back to shore, sells them off to some guy (probably my dad) who’s family is in town, and then the whole family stuffs their face (I once ate 6 lobsters, personally, in one sitting, sides included) with awesome potato salad and fresh cooked lobster. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to a lobster bake in a backyard in Maine, but mosquitos are fucking everywhere. It’s like they can smell the change in diet, you’ve eaten so much seafood, you taste like seafood. Your blood is currently the closest a mosquito will ever get to draining a live lobster of it’s tasty life. Mosquito heaven. This is probably not the case, but it could be true.

Honestly though, it is probably fat people. People who eat lots of greasy, fatty food. Last week I got some steak, from this super fancy steak place, brought to me at work, for free. It was incredible. Blood still dripping, hardly even browned, it was delicious. It came with two sides of bone marrow also, first time I’d ever had it. I didn’t even know people ate that. And it blew my mind, so good. But anyway, so I ate this steak, and at the end were the left over portions of fat. Do you know how delicious fat is? Oh man, so good. So God Damn tasty. So with those facts down, dripping blood, super fat= delicious. Hold on now, I haven’t gotten there yet on this day (I was tired and not operating at full speed). Ever had a Tasty Cake? The butterscotch ones? Holy shit, if I were a mosquito, I’d eat those. It’s just a butterscotch flavored rectangle of doughy fat, with icing. Holy shit they are delicious. Ever had a Butterfinger Blizzard from Dairy Queen? Sit down for this one. A Butterfinger gets all crushed up, and mixed with a pile of soft serve ice cream. Yes. Yes. Yes. What about Chicken Mc’Nuggets? Enough said.

On the other hand take Cheerios, I happen to like them. I have a box right now. I had some for breakfast. But I was trained to like Cheerios, I like them because when I was a child my mother made me eat them, and I have been eating them since. I have trained myself to like them, and other healthy things. But at first taste? Has anyone ever bit into broccoli for the first time (when is not slathered in butter) and proclaimed how good it tasted? Fuck no. That shit takes time. And you know what mosquito’s do not have? I’ll tell you, it’s time. They live very short lives, it’s one reason they haven’t learned to hold their breath to swim under water. They are insects, and they die very quickly.

I think I’ve spelled it out fairly logically enough. Humans flock to fatty food, because it is flat out delicious. Given time, and a decent upbringing, we learn to like healthy things, like carrots, and beets (no one likes beets, beets are for show offs). Mosquito’s get abandoned at birth, by blood drunk parents who never cared about them to begin with, they have no decent upbringing. They are raised by the wild, and feast of the patrons of Burger King. Their greasy fingers just smell so good, a young mosquito could get lost in the stomach rolls of a twice-daily fast-fooder. Simple physics really, and mosquito’s would know this had they ever drank Einstein’s blood, Mosquito’s prefer the blood of fat people.